DARK DAYS by PAULIUS MUSTEIKIS
I knew it would come. I was expecting it. It happens every winter. And this winter is not any different.
Work load slows down. Life slows down. My brain starts to pick up a signal. I’m about to start new chapter.
And it’s then when the cold winter darkness descends into my head. Darkness brings its good companion- self-doubt. And together once again they poison my thoughts.And the familiar voice speaks from deep shadows in my head. And I hear the poison dripping.
“You’re not any better than 99% of other photographers”. Drip.
“No one cares about what you do”. Drip.
“You’re a fucking hack.” Voice inside my head says.
“You don’t know where you’re headed.” I hear the poison dripping.
“Zero fucks given on what you have to say.” Drip.
“Yeah, well, that’s just, like, photography, man!” Drip.
“Loser!” Voice says again.
And the voice wouldn’t shut up.
And I’ve heard that voice before. Many times.
I (again) need to sit down face to face with my invisible old enemy (friend) and straighten things out. I need to write it all down just to remind myself again that comparing myself to others is complete bullshit. That it’s a trap. It’s black ice on interstate and when you doing 35MPH above the speed limit.
I need to remind myself that the grass is not always greener on the other side. That your neighbor’s backyard has the same neglected landscape with occasional dog shit pile here and there as you do.
We all want to be better, faster, and stronger. Yet we forget, that whoever inspired us to chase that dream, did not mention 25 years of failures before good things happened. So we keep going in circles chasing our tales.
And I remind myself that there will be way more “downs” in my life than “ups”. And that I often will take three steps back before I can take one forward.
I remind myself that there is no such thing as luck when it comes to work- only hard work and persistence.
I remind myself that I am truly blessed to wake up, go out to the world, take pictures and by doing so bring food on my family’s table.
And if I never arrive to my (still undetermined) destination? Fuck it! Who cares? I’ll just make sure I have hell of a journey!
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All images in this blog post were scanned from the same one roll of black and white 35mm film. They were shot in variety of locations throughout 2015 and were never published before.
